Get back to nature with the “Walden” app | by Kyle Morrison | Slackjaw | April 2022

Pictured: fundamental reality. (Photo by Morrison)

Grover’s Mill, NJ – Yoyodyne Diversions, Inc. – a subsidiary of AMIC – is proud to announce the Walden App, state-of-the-art immersive software that makes it easy to escape modernity with a range of price points.

Based on the exploits of naturalist Henry David Thoreau, the Walden app gives subscribers the freedom to reconnect with raw life through advanced computer coding. Fully VR compatible, users can explore the whimsical world of Thoreau in “Classic Walden”, “Walden In Winter” and “1845 Boston Nightlife” settings. Industrious subscribers can enjoy Thoreau’s favorite back-breaking tasks like hoeing, churning butter and customizing a clapboard cabin while the app warns them to be proud.

The app is fully loaded with:

  • Palaver Chat – Fills a list of dirt trails to deliver private messages by hand;
  • Starlight Navigation — Provides a constellation map to encourage the user to trust the world around them;
  • Horse and buggy mode – Disables wireless functions when traveling to the market to avoid spooking your nag

(These and other standard features are available to all subscribers, but Patagonia’s and REI’s banner specials are for the free tier only.)

Users looking to gain financial independence can track their $1845 spending and invest smartly in skins like Back to Nature Thoreau, Smoking-Jacket-and-Fez Thoreau, and Outer Space Thoreau. Successfully reaching budget goals gives subscribers the chance to win a rare avatar of Walt Whitman.

The app’s music and sound effects were composed by Providence and captured by Yoyodyne’s “ambience architects”, who travel the world to build gigantic recording studios in once-pristine woodland areas. Platinum-level users can commemorate their proxy retirement from civilization by entering their name, address, and optional social security number for around-the-clock architects to prune limited-edition trees nearby.

“It’s not enough to immortalize Walden as a frequently updated app,” said Yoyodyne Diversions CEO John Walthrop. “We want him to be there for the future. Particularly in the next quarter, when we plan to offer one lucky user an all-expenses-paid stay in [Henry David] Thoreau’s hut.

To that end, Yoyodyne Diversions has pledged to donate 0.001% of every third in-app purchase to the Walden Woods project, to help preserve the historic site.

About Herbert L. Leonard

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