The Funniest Book Opening Lines of All Time

This is the opening line of your masterpiece: you want to grab readers’ attention right from the start.

Why not make it funny? While it sounds like an easy thing to do, as our pick of the “funniest book opening lines” proves, it’s a lot harder than it looks. In fact, you have to be a literary great to do it right.

Luckily, we’ve compiled 30 of the most humorous, bizarre, and fun book opening lines; read on and brighten your day…because we all need a laugh right now!

The funniest lines in the books

Author: Douglas Adams

“At the beginning the universe was created. It made a lot of people very angry and was widely seen as a bad decision.”

Author: Iain Banks

“That was the day my grandmother blew up.”

Author: WH Manville

“I don’t know what other men think about their wives leaving them, but I helped mine pack.”

Author: Max Barry

“As a boy, I wanted to be a train.”

Author: Monica Drake

“Balloon Tying For Christ was the cheapest balloon manual I could find.”

Author: Douglas Adams

“It can’t be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the phrase ‘As pretty as an airport.'”

Author: Bill Bryson

“I’m from Des Moines. Somebody had to do it.”

Author: Janet Evanovitch

“For most of my childhood, my career aspirations were simple – I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”

Author: Dodie Smith

“I’m writing this sitting in the kitchen sink.”

Author: Norman Maclean

“In our family, there was no clear line between religion and fly fishing.”

Author: John Wyndham

“When a day that you know is Wednesday starts out looking like Sunday, there’s something seriously wrong somewhere.”

Author: Jeffrey Eugenides

“I was born twice: first, as a little girl, on a remarkably smog-free day in Detroit in January 1960; then again, as a teenager, in an emergency room near Petoskey, NY. Michigan, in August 1974.”

Author: Chuck Palahniuk

“If you’re going to read this, don’t bother.”

Author: William Goldman

“It’s my favorite book in the world, even though I’ve never read it.”

Author: Roald Dahl

“It’s a funny thing about moms and dads. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you can imagine, they still think he or she is wonderful.”

Author: Franz Kafka

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”

Author: EB White

“Where is Dad going with that ax? Fern said to her mother as they set the table for breakfast.

Author: Christopher Buckley

“Nick Naylor has called himself a lot of ways since becoming the leading spokesperson for the Academy of Tobacco Studies, but until now no one has actually compared him to Satan.”

Author: Colin Meloy

“How five crows managed to lift a twenty-pound little boy into the air was beyond Prue, but it was certainly the least of her worries.”

Author: Terry Pratchett

“They say the world is flat and supported on the backs of four elephants who themselves stand on the back of a giant tortoise.”

Author: Peter DeVries

“It wasn’t until I got engaged to Miss Piano that I started avoiding her.”

Author: Louis Sachar

“We’re going to tell you about three of the children in Mrs. Jewls’ class on the 30th floor of Wayside School. But before we get to that, there’s something you need to know. Wayside School was accidentally built on its side. It was supposed to be just one story, with thirty classrooms all lined up. Instead, it’s thirty stories tall, with one classroom on each floor. The builder said that he was really sorry.

Author: Alan Partridge

“When I was 8 I had such a profuse and generous nosebleed that I ran away from the schoolyard and sought solace in the first-class countryside of Norfolk.”

Author: Kenneth Cook

“He sat at his desk, wearily watching the children exit the room, thinking to himself that, this term at least, it was reasonable to assume that none of the girls were pregnant.”

Author: Vikram Chandra

“A white Pomeranian named Fluffy flew out of a fifth-story window in Panna, which was a large new building with the painter’s scaffolding still around. Fluffy screamed.

Author: John Green

“The day after renowned child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and was dumped for the 19th time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath. Colin always preferred baths. ”

Author: Hajin

“Every summer, Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu.”

Author: Jonathan Maberry

“When you have to kill the same terrorist twice in a week, then there’s either something wrong with your skills or something wrong with your world. And there’s nothing wrong with my skills.”

Author: Tom Robbins

“If this typewriter can’t do it, then fuck it, it can’t be done.

Author: Seth Grahame-Smith

“It’s a universally recognized truth that a zombie with brains must need more brains.”

IS SOMETHING MISSING IN OUR SHORTLIST?

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About Herbert L. Leonard

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